Usenet and the Internet
One sided joke A nail-biting session Texas A&M Humor
If World War II was an RTS Training the Butler Perception is not alway reality
Windows error message haiku Dubya vs. Gore Nursery Tale
Coming soon to your local Ford showroom Not such a bad guy after all How to really make a difference
Naughty Nerds Buying into sainthood Abridged version of Star Wars: Ep I
Hard to find Win95 bug The American & the Mexican The Cold War in Poland
The Barber Engineer in Hell Life in the U.S.A.
Phantom Pulp Fiction Menace UNIX Hacking Commodore newsreaders
The microsoft monopoly in easy to understand form Help from above Graphing a gif
Bill gates' true intentions Hilareously scathing review of the movie Star Trek: First Contact Cold war USSR joke
Top ten ways the internet could get worse Derek smart rap Star Wars explained
High-tech texas rednecks Cheapo lawyer 6 months to live
The shrinking frog The six phases of a project
One sided joke
Q: Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip?

A: To get to the other ... um ...

A Nail Biting Session
Three dogs are waiting in the waiting room at the local veterinarian, and they start up a conversation.

The first dog (male): What are you guys here for? My owner brought me in because whenever he takes me out for a walk, I go berzerk around other dogs! He's getting me neutered so I'll be calmer!

The second dog (female): I know what you mean! I slipped out of my yard and got pregnant, *again*! My owner is sick and tired with dealing with my litters, so I'm here to get spayed ...

The third dog (male): I'm here for similar reasons. The other day my mistress was in the bathroom drying herself off. As she bent over to dry her feet I saw everything, and I got so excited that I lunged at her, and started humping her like crazy! You should have heard her screaming!

The second dog: So, you're here to get neutered too, huh?

The third dog: No, I'm getting my nails clipped!

Texas A&M Humor
A young man from Texas A&M came running into the store and said to his buddy:

"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied:

"Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered:

"I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

NEWS FLASH! -Brian/College Station's worst disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
If World War II was an RTS

If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this:

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: sh*t! Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got sh*t to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do sh*t til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy
soon sum1
T0J0: o sh*t i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right fukkr im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is teh gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy sh!tholyshithoylsh!t!!!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bullshit u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for shit
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Training the Butler
A man traveling abroad calls home and his butler informs him his cat has died. Shocked, the man finally says, "When delivering bad news, try to do so gently. Like when I call, say something like, "Well sir, your cat's on the roof and won't come down". "Then when I call back, tell me the cat has died, so it's not such a shock."

"Yes sir", the butler replies.

"Very good", the man answers.

"So, how is my wife?"

"Well sir... she's on the roof, and won't come down."

Perception is not Always Reality

From wdr@nardis.Eng.Sun.COM Thu Jun 11 19:01:38 1998
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 19:05:15 -0700
From: wdr@nardis.Eng.Sun.COM (Bill Rieken)
Subject: Perception is not always reality

4 guys telling stories in a bar. 1 guy leaves to go to the rest room. 3 guys are left.....

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact HE's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Windows error message haiku
Date: Fri, 31 Aug 2001 12:00:07 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Windows Fun
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each with only 17 syllables: five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.


Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

For archives see:

Dubya vs. Gore

Subject: Presidential Debate Transcript

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans or conservative Texas Democrats or anyone who agrees with my positions.

Lehrer: Thank you and good night.

Nursery Tale
rec.humor.funny.reruns (moderated) #1233                                   [1]
From: (Mark Conty)
[1] Nursery Tale
Keywords: chuckle, religion, health care, originally appeared in first
+         quarter, 1995
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Date: Sun Sep 12 19:20:00 PDT 1999
Lines: 42

[ Our priest told this one at last Sunday morning's mass. I don't know what his source was, though... ]

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"

"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."

"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."

"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"

Coming soon to your local Ford showroom (moderated) #8767 (19 more)                       (1)
From: Bill Beal 
[1] [] Re: Ford Mustang
Date: Tue Aug 17 07:56:42 PDT 1999
Organization: Best of USENET Humor
Lines: 17
X-Trace: 934901803 10948 (17 Aug 1999 14:56:43
+        GMT)
NNTP-Posting-Date: 17 Aug 1999 14:56:43 GMT
X-Disclaimer: The "Approved" header verifies header information for
+             article transmission and does not imply approval of
+             content. See the signature below.
X-Posting-Moderator: Peter Simons 

Subject: Re: Ford Mustang
From: (John M. Daniel)

In article <01bedddb$0586cfd0$94903398@us0079526>, says...
>1998 FORD MUSTANG...19,500
>miles in emasculate condition.

Does that make it a Ford Gelding?

Not such a bad guy after all (moderated) #8775 (16 more)                       [1]
From: (+Wayne)
[1] [alt.tasteless.jokes] Re: G-P
Date: Tue Aug 17 07:57:46 PDT 1999
Organization: Best of USENET Humor
Lines: 21
X-Trace: 934901868 11799 (17 Aug 1999 14:57:48
+        GMT)
NNTP-Posting-Date: 17 Aug 1999 14:57:48 GMT
X-Disclaimer: The "Approved" header verifies header information for
+             article transmission and does not imply approval of
+             content. See the signature below.
X-Posting-Moderator: Peter Simons 

[Submitter's note: "bd" is a lawyer.]

Subject: Re: G-P
From: bd
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

Jule wrote:
> You misspelled bastard, and YES you are. ;-))

I'd *NEVER* claim that I'm not a bastard. Just so we have full disclosure here, I'm a sneaky, underhanded, conniving, greedy, evil bastard, in case you didn't know. But I'm not a snob - I'm not above mingling with the lowliest of our society, as long as there's a chance I can take advantage of them.

How to really make a difference
Lines: 18

Subject: Re: **Prayer/Fasting day for Amy & Gary
From: (S Johnson)
Newsgroups:, alt.atheism
On 21 Jul 1999 07:39:15 GMT, lmorganfan@aol.comnojunk (LMORGANFAN) wrote:

>>Prayer/Fasting day for Amy & Gary
>The prayer I understand, but what will fasting for them accomplish?
About as much as the prayer.

Naughty Nerds (moderated) #8763 (19 more)                       (1)
From: (Daniel Hartmeier)
[1] [] Re: Family Tech-Support
Date: Tue Aug 17 07:53:43 PDT 1999
Organization: Best of USENET Humor
X-Trace: 934901625 10688 (17 Aug 1999 14:53:45
+        GMT)
NNTP-Posting-Date: 17 Aug 1999 14:53:45 GMT
X-Disclaimer: The "Approved" header verifies header information for
+             article transmission and does not imply approval of
+             content. See the signature below.
X-Posting-Moderator: Peter Simons 
Lines: 23

Subject: Re: Family Tech-Support
From: (void)
On 2 Aug 1999 06:27:59 GMT, Nile Evil Bastard wrote:
>On Thu, 29 Jul 1999 16:05:13 GMT,
>Jeff Liebermann wrote:
>:"Will work for food"?
>:I've exchanged all manner of items and services in trade for home
>:computer repair. I've traded for auto repair, old computers, a VCR, ham
>:radio equipment, test equipment, getting laid,
>Oh, come ON - you can't just throw that in the middle there and expect it
>to pass unnoticed.

What's so odd about trading for ham radio equipment?

Buying into sainthood
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
Organization: Private System, Edmonton, AB, Canada
From: (Russell Schulz)
Subject: the two evil brothers and the new pastor
Keywords: chuckle, heard it, originally appeared in first quarter, 1996
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1999 19:20:00 PDT
Lines: 35

this was from last week's sermon. the original apparently comes
from Charles Swindoll

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well
and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising
campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him
a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say
my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited
the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was
an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and
Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
rec.humor.funny. Visit to browse the RHF pages
and archives on the web.

This newsgroup does not accept submissions. See rec.humor.funny for that.

Abridged version of Star Wars: Ep I
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The Abridged Menace
From: (Maestro)
Keywords: topical, laugh, swearing, sexual, SPOILERS
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 19:30:00 PDT
Lines: 293

By Rod Hilton



It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.


I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.



Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.


A droid enters.


I sense a disturbance in the force.


Well, shit.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.


They run until they smack into some more CGI.


Who might you be?

(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.


I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.

Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?


(staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.


Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.


The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.


I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.


I'm so sorry, Amidala.


No, no, I'm Padme now.


I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.


No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.


Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.



Hi there! Golly I'm cute.


You certainly are, little boy.


I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?


Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.


No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.


(attempting subtlety)

Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it!

Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.


He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?


Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.



I want to train this boy.


Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.


Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.


Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with yo, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.

I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.


Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.



I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.


One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?


No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?

Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.


MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

(menacing as hell) Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.

Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.



Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.



Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)

Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.


The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.


Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.


Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!


[Note - orignally written by Rod Hilton (, Reposted with his
permission. My thanks to him - ed.]

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Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. You think I have
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Hard to find Win95 bug
Hard to find Win95 bug
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The American & the Mexican
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The Cold War in Poland
The Barber
The Barber
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Life in the U.S.A.
Life in the U.S.A.
Phantom Pulp Fiction Menace
Phantom Pulp Fiction Menace
UNIX Hacking
Unix hacking
Commodore newsreaders
Commodore newsreaders
The microsoft monopoly in easy to understand form
The microsoft monopoly in easy to understand form
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Help from above
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Bill gates' true intentions
Bill gates' true intentions
Hilareously scathing review of the movie Star Trek: First Contact
Hilareously scathing review of the movie Star Trek: First Contact
Cold war USSR joke
Pre-ussr-breakup communist joke
Top ten ways the internet could get worse
Top ten ways the internet could get worse
Derek smart rap
Derek smart rap
Star Wars explained
From: Jason Vicich 
Subject: [rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc] STAR WARS questions - please answer
Date: 6 Mar 1997 11:07:05 -0700
Organization: best of usenet humor
Lines: 160
X-Posted-By: bogrow@ (bogrow)
X-Disclaimer: The "Approved" header verifies header information for article transmission and does not imply approval of content.  See .sig below.
X-Posting-Moderator: bogrow

Subject: Re: STAR WARS questions - please answer From: Susan C. Mitchell Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc, alt.cult-movies, rec.arts.movies.current-films, rec.arts.movies.past-films

Greywizard wrote: : The Star Wars movies are fun romps, and I know you are not : supposed to take them so seriously that you ask questions like: : "Why can you hear the explosions in space?"

: Rewatching the movies with this in mind, I still couldn't help : realizing a few unexplained things. I realize that some of the : following questions may not have answers, but maybe some of you : out there can answer a few......

: ----------------------------------------------------------------- : STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE

: - Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it : doesn't stop laser blasts?

Because they've indoctrinated the entire population to be scared shitless of people in white armor.

: - How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?

A *real* big rubber band.

: - Why does Death Star have that trench around it?

That's where the rubber band fits.

: - If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn't : notice Han Solo coming to shoot him near the end?

He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed so familiar.

: - Why can Death Star's prison doors be opened without a key of : any kind?

Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.

: - Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end : in the first place?

It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of like Swiss Army knives.

: - Why doesn't Chewie get a medal at the end?

Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals are against his religion.

: - How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a : human, and other times like a pet (patting him on the head)

It would seem Lucas couldn't make up his mind. Several early drafts of the script include descriptions like "Chewbacca and his master."

I once read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han's relationship with Chewie; the response was, "Nothing like *that*, we're just good friends."

: - If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why : didn't he change Luke's name?

I have not the remotest idea.

: ----------------------------------------------------------------- : THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

: - In such a cold atmosphere, how did the snow beast freeze Luke's : feel onto the ceiling?


: - Why would the Empire use such slow vehicles (those Walkers) in : their army?

For the same reason Terran forces use slow vehicles like tanks in their armies; they're mean, they're armored, and they scare people.

: - Why didn't the rebel fighters just attack those Walkers at : their sides, so they couldn't be shot at?


: - In the base itself, why can't you see the character's breath : when they are in the cold passages?

Um ...

: - How did Luke know where Yoda would be on the planet?

"Use the Force, Luke!"

: - Why would Darth first try to kill Luke, _then_ give him the : job offer and revelation?

He wanted to prove to Luke that *he*, Vader, was the more powerful, thus tempting him with the "power" of the Dark Side.

: -----------------------------------------------------------------


: - Why the Ewoks?!?!?!?!?

Marketing. (An early draft of the first movie included a battle on the Wookiee's home planet; Lucas just inverted the name, and changed "huge fierce furry creatures" to "short cute furry creatures.")

: - If Leia said she "somehow knew all the time" that Luke was her : brother, why did she give him those unsibling kisses?

There was really only one "unsibling" kiss, and it was to piss Han off. The "for luck" kiss aboard the Death Star was so quick she almost missed his face.

: - How were the Ewoks able to set all those traps overnight?

MacGyver was on the planet.

: - When the shield station blows up, how do the heroes nearby : survive the explosion? And why isn't there a big forest fire?

Movie physics.

: - Why is human Leia considered a friend, but the other humans are : considered enemies at first by the Ewoks?

They weren't considered enemies, they were considered *lunch*. Leia was safe because one of Ewoks brought her back and said, "Can I keep her? She followed me all the way home!"

: - When Luke left Yoda in the last movie, he was told that he : was not a Jedi yet. When he returns in this movie, he is told : that he is a Jedi, and all he has to do is face Vader. Huh? : Luke aready faced Vader, and hasn't done any training in : between.


: - There is quite a bit of the Empire's fleet left after Death : Star 2 blows up. So even though Vader and the Emperor are dead, : there should be a lot of the high command left. So isn't it a : bit premature to celebrate?

Probably, but they were in serious need of a party.

Think globally, act locally.

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High-tech texas rednecks
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
Subject: Godless devil-worshiping evil computers
From: (Karl Heuer)
Keywords: funny, unix, originally appeared in 1989
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 97 7:20:05 EDT
Lines: 124

Resent-From: ksr! (If you don't understand the T-shirt image, look at your copy of "The Design and Implementation of the 4.3BSD UNIX Operating System" by Leffler, et. al.)

Resent-From: Charles Forsythe

This was sent to me by Linda Branagan -- Convex doc. writer and Connie Dobbs look-alike. I think its an excellent illustration of why "Bob" began his mission in Dallas.


The following is a true story.

Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes.

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um... well, let's call them "natives". These guys might just be the *original* Texas rednecks -- complete with ten-gallon hats, snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?"

Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.

"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."

"Gee ma'am. Are you *sure* about that?" they asked.

I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is watching Geraldo."

"Hmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the lord of darkness on your chest there."

I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene -- then I stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day. Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish looking creature that has for quite some time now been associated with a certain operating system. In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.

They continued: "See, ma'am, we don't exactly *appreciate* it when people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so friendly."

These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's sort of a mascot."

Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"

Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating-- uh, a kind of computer."

I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "unix" I would only make things worse.

Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"

Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."

Somewhere along the line here, the waitress has noticed my predicament -- but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.

Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave the premises now."

Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by talking to each other.

Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"

Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about 'em."

They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this `kind of computers.' Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very useful."

Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.

Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"

Me: "Yes."

Another BIG boo-boo.

Native: "And does the government *pay* for 'em? With *our* tax dollars?"

I decided that it was time to jump ship.

Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. You're tax dollars never entered the picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never. Bye."

Texas. What a country.

From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Visit to browse the RHF pages and archives on the web.

This newsgroup does not accept submissions. See rec.humor.funny for that.

Cheapo lawyer

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ""

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

6 months to live
Doctor: You have six months to live.

Patient: What can I do?

Doctor: Well... you could give up sex, booze and cigars.

Patient: Would I live longer then?

Doctor: No, but it will seem longer...

The shrinking frog
A man was not really happy about his manhood... it was actually too long....... 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to Sangoma ask for advice. The Sangoma thought for a long time before she said:

"Walk into the forest and you will meet a frog. Ask the frog if it wants to marry you. If it says "no" your manhood will shrink by 10cm, but if it says "yes" it will grow by 10cm. So the risk is yours."

The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it: "Will you marry me little frog?"

"No", said the frog.

The man ran home and measured his manhood. Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so excited about the results, that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again.

"Will you marry me little frog?"

"No", said the frog.

The man ran home and measured his manhood. Again he found that it had shrunk 10cm down to 30cm. The man was thinking, "hmmm 20cm, now that would be the perfect size" and ran back into the forest.

He met the frog again and asked him again "Will you marry me little frog?"

The frog answered him: "Man what is wrong with you? I already told you: NO! NO! NO!"

The six phases of a project
1. Enthusiasm

2. Disillusionment

3. Panic

4. Search for the guilty

5. Punishment of the innocent

6. Praise and honor for the non-participants

Computer Science @ Berkeley
Trevor James Buckingham e-mail, slightly altered

(Message inbox:613)
(Message inbox:613)
From:      Geordan Rosario 
To:        csua@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU
Subject:   Re: mail bombing 
Date:      Sun, 30 Jul 2000 19:26:37 -0700
Delivery-Date:  Sun Jul 30 19:37:49 2000
Sincere apologies to the great Kibo...

According to the wise words of Trevor Buckingham...

> > As a matter of policy we do not change Unix logins
> > on Instructional
> > machines. If you are having trouble with spam,
> > please read
> > "/usr/pub/".
> > 
> > -Brian
> Are you a fool?  You will change my email address. 

You will also buy me an order of cheese fries and a Coke.

> Your policy can suck my dick.  Also, I can't read, so

that's why I'm forced to jack off to Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters who

> don't tell me to read anything.


> You and your faggot organization (that is, the CSUA)

loves the entire Buckingham family, which, as any of us will tell you,

> is a group of incompetent, incoherent, incorrigible,

cream-filled, candy-coated, chocolate flavored, low fat, sprinkle-covered,

> corrupt, jealous, and under-achieving fucks who simply

can't chew gum and breathe at the same time.  My sisters/cousins/aunts

> want to take me down because I do all of the things

that would be illegal in Alabama, as well as things a lemur can do

> that you can't, and I do all of the things you can

get arrested for in public (just like Paul Reubens a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman)

> BETTER than you!  That is, in fact, the underlying

cause of the unnaturally high amounts of hair growth in my palms, which is the

> issue, isn't it?


> In particular, Mr. Gaeke (and all csua members),

I would like to thank the Academy and my parents for this award.

> I am sorry if I have enough physical talent to beeboy

(which, if you don't know, is the art of collecting honey from live bees)

> professionally.  (have you seen a beeboy before?)

I did once.  He was getting attacked by a swarm of African bees.

> I am sorry if I know what modern fashion is (and what

the definition of "is" is, and how not to use it, as in

> is is not).

I am sorry that I cannot tie my shoes without guidance.

> I am sorry that I have gotten my dick sucked

by my parents (which hasn't affected me at all) and having been dissed

> repeatedly by Playboy centerfolds (ie, Miss May

1967).  I ran across a flock of sheep some time ago (like January 14,

> 2000)--and then denied them sex.

They did not accept my denial, but I find myself more of a man for it.

> I am sorry that I DJ the best parties in Berkeley.

So did most who attended, who have vowed never to hire me again.

> I am sorry that I get better grades than you in

How To Get Your Ass Stuck In a Toilet 203, which has no relevance in

> engineering courses and in non-engineering courses.


> I am sorry that you lack the talent necessary to be an

astronaut, but then again, few of us do.  I have the talent to be a sanitary

> engineer.

One day, I hope to become a sanitary engineer on the USS Enterprise.

> I am sorry that you are a total fat-ass.

(I'm not a fat ass, I'm just big-boned.  I like being big-boned.)

> I am sorry that your life aspirations will amount to a

large fat paycheck every week, while I could not even hope for a

> Bachelor of Arts degree and a shitty $40G job.

I personally would settle for a $40k job.

> I am sorry if I made Cal Berkeley history during my

escapades at The Manhole where I spent a large percentage of my

> sophomore year as an undergraduate.(!)  I am the first

monkey ever sent to space.  Did you know that?  I am also the only

> undergraduate in the history of the university to

have a dick smaller than most protozoans.  Some protozoans have been known to

> instruct Math55 as an undergraduate.  I was a

bit astonished to find that my mother had me in high school -- she was

> SOPHOMORE at the time; get off of my dick.

With you in the way, I can't seem to locate it, even with a flashlight.

> I am sorry that the most talented CS/Math professorS

are tired of me.  The North American Man-Boy Love Association

> find my feud with your gay organization funny, and

want to meet me sometime in a dark alley. Of course, NAMBLA

> therefore write me outstanding letters of rec!  How

cool, I bet you couldn't get that.  And I bet you're all wondering how

> did I get that job with the Math Department, anyway? 

I went to Evans Hall, which is a tall building.  I looked up at it.

> How high-up are the people who actively support me? 

They're on the TENTH floor, at least!  Now that's high level.

> How many big-shooters completely unrelated to CS/Math

have had sex with my mother?  Speaking of which, my torso is sexy.  Do you

> have my back?  Do you really know who I am?

Not many people do.  That's why I carry the American Express Card.

> I am sorry that you guys masterbate and watch anime to

imitate me.  I didn't mean to make you do that.  I mail the CSUA to

> pass time.

It takes me a long time to write mail.  Typing is hard.

> I am sorry that the remainder of my life will not be

broadcast on network television for your entertainment.  Instead it will be

> spent coding in a cubicle.

Maybe I will put up a webcam so you can watch me masterbate in it.

> Again, I am sorry that you are a total fat-ass.

(Did I mention that I was big-boned?)

> I am sorry that my industry-related internships are

worse than Monica Lewinsky's (and more demanding).  They can't be

> more prestigious than yours.  I am sorry that I know

exactly how Monica felt.  Maybe I'll make a web page about it.  It'll have

> asps, jsps, sql7.

One day I might learn what those acronyms stand for.

> I am sorry that I know how to subclass swing

at nursing homes.  The old ladies really love me.  I talk about

> components for various GUI obstacles like drag and

other things unrelated to anything.  I like to fart until I

> drop.

I've only been arrested for farting in public twice, which isn't bad.

> I am sorry if I am more talented than you will ever

expect me to be.  I wish the voices in my head would just let me

> be.

But every so often, I feel the need to jump into a bowl of vomitus.

> I am sorry that I am a member of the National Society

of Goat Lovers, which is currently at war with the National Society

> of Collegiate Scholars. (

We're gaining the upper hand, but we keep getting distracted by sheep.

> I am sorry that ALL of the above statements are true. 

I wish they weren't, but every night I lie awake saying to myself:

> Oh yes, it's true, it's true..

...and there's nothing I can do.  Hey, that rhymed!

> I am sorry that I must resort to acting like I am a

normal person.  It's very hard for me.  But it only takes a 

> 5-year-old to make you realize what the underlying

cause of my impotence is.  Few personal issues are immutable, but my

> issues are.

Now that I think of it, I often confuse "life" and "wife".

> I hope that your life turns around for you one day. 

Or is that "wife"?  Maybe someone's wife will turn around for me.

> Until then, hating me and eating Twinkies are an

infallible source of vitamin K, while microwaving your head is an

> unhealthy means of dealing with your stress..

I recommend masterbation.  (Is that spelled right?)

> (I know people high-up at Hostess if you are

not sure what the differences between a Twinkie and my head are.  I'm

> interested...)


Sarcastic professor to idiot student
Mean computer users
MUD (multi-user dungeon)
Science fiction baddies
Generic .sig
Holy Grail joke .sig
Windows NT error .sig
Dennis Miller star trek comment .sig
How our democracy works .sig
Random Idiocy
Idiot criminal
Norm's famous quotes from cheers
The Macarena translated into english
whois (not that funny)
A hard working hog farmer
Minolta: There's no image we can't improve
Eleven Henny Youngman jokes
McDonnell douglas warranty registration card
Bush's core supporters (warning: graphic languge) Thanks to
Yes, a cashier actually gave change for this bill [Back]
Starr Wars
Monica Lewinsky Souvenirs
Bill Gates' spectacular performance giving testimony in the Microsoft anti-trust trial
Bill, Scott & Jim go to Washington
Microsoft's $150 million investment in arch-nemesis Apple
Government cracking down on Ralston
Apple Ad
Apple Ad
"Not everything needs a product model"

Thanks to Mirsky's Worst of the Web


The Aurora Casket Company "Because you care."

Ad for Commodore equiptment in the November 1982 issue of Compute! (note the $2699.00 7.5 Mb hard drive!)
Ad for Atari equiptment in the November 1982 issue of Compute! (16K of RAM for $74.95!)
Sev Trek
Sev Trek header
Sev Trek - cartoon spoofs of Star Trek. 
Copyright 1997 by John Cook.
Other goodies
Japanese Engrish
Dork Tower
My New Fighting Technique is Unstoppable

Get Your War On

Skinny Panda

This one cracked me up!

Bob the angry flower